Tips for discussing school shootings with children

Just as the new school year began in many places across the country, news broke that another school shooting was unfolding in the United States.

Two teachers and two students were killed and nine people were injured in a shooting at Apalachee High School in Winder, Georgia, on Sept. 4, according to authorities.

The suspect, a 14-year-old student, is in custody and will be tried as an adult, the Georgia Bureau of Investigation said Wednesday.

The shooting adds to the ever-growing list of school shootings that have taken place in the past decade, since the Dec. 14, 2012, shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School that claimed the lives of 20 students and six educators.

With each school shooting, the number of people affected by school shootings grows, as do the conversations parents and caregivers must have with kids about the reality of gun violence in the U.S.

Read on to see six tips from experts on how to discuss school shootings with kids.

1. Be proactive in talking with kids.

Dr. Deborah Gilboa, a board-certified family physician and resilience expert, said parents and caregivers should consider their child’s age and situation when deciding how to talk with them about events like school shootings.

“The first thing to think about is how old is my kid, and are they gonna hear about [the school shooting] anyway,” Gilboa told “Good Morning America” in 2023, after six people were killed at The Covenant School in Nashville. “So if they’re going to hear about it anyway, or they’re over the age of eight, it’s an important conversation to know how to have with your child.”

Gilboa said parents and caregivers can start the conversation with a question, like, “Have you heard about this?”

The next step, according to Gilboa, is to thoughtfully listen to a child’s reply.

“We really listen to their answer before we flood them with more information,” Gilboa said, also adding that adults should refrain from telling kids how or how not to feel. “[Telling a child] ‘there’s nothing to be afraid of,’ doesn’t really help.”

2. Be truthful about what happened.

Dr. Melissa Brymer, director of terrorism and disaster programs at the UCLA-Duke National Center for Child Traumatic Stress, said parents and caregivers should be truthful with kids in an age-appropriate way.

“For our young kids, they don’t need to have all the details,” Brymer told ABC News last year. “Many times they’re going to be worried about their safety, your safety as a parent or caregiver or their family members’ safety, so we want to reiterate what’s being done to help them right now.”

Brymer said parents should be prepared for teenagers to want a “much more in-depth conversation.”

“How do we talk about what this event has meant that might have impacted our value system?” Brymer said of a potential conversation starter with a teen. “Can you encourage your kids to think about is there a club or some type of activity that they can do within their schools to show and create change? In these times, many of us start to feel lonely. How do we reach out to those that might not have someone in their life?”

3. Take care of yourself as a parent or caregiver.

Gilboa said the “first step” a parent or caregiver should take before talking with a child is to make sure their own emotions are in check and that they feel supported too.

“We can’t come to our kids and have the conversation if we’re a wreck,” Gilboa said. “Then they’re going to feel like they need to take care of us.”

Brymer also suggested parents and caregivers take a “pause” so they can be ready to talk to their kids.

“Sometimes we don’t have the words right away,” Brymer said. “We might need to reach out to our own support systems and have those conversations, and then we can have them with our kids.”

If a child’s stress levels or response to a mass shooting are hard to manage, experts say parents and caregivers shouldn’t hesitate to seek guidance from their pediatrician, a school counselor, social worker or other mental health experts. Parents should also seek out professional mental health help if they are struggling.

4. Keep an eye out for changes in kids’ behaviors.

Psychiatrist and author Dr. Janet Taylor said children may respond to disturbing news about mass shootings in different ways, and parents and caregivers should pay attention to see if their child’s behaviors change.

Children may experience problems focusing, have difficulty sleeping or become more irritable, according to Taylor.

“If you have younger children and they suddenly get more clingy or want to sleep in bed with you, pay attention to that and cuddle them as they need it,” Taylor told “GMA” in 2022, after 21 people were killed in a shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas. “Older kids may become more isolated or feel that they have to solve things by themselves.”

Gilboa said parents and caregivers should also watch for kids who may develop a fear of going to school, who look for reasons to stay home and who withdraw from activities.

“Ask them, ‘Hey, tell me more about what’s going on.’ Don’t just assume it’s because they have a test they don’t want to take or something like that,” Gilboa said. “And make sure that if you’re really worried about them, you’re reaching out to their doctor or to their guidance counselor, their school counselor to get a little bit of extra support for you and for them.”

5. Remember to keep checking in with kids.

Instead of discussing a school shooting only once, Robin Gurwitch, a licensed clinical psychologist and Duke University professor, said it’s crucial to continue the conversation over time.

“A one-and-done conversation is not sufficient,” Gurwitch told ABC News in 2018, after 17 students and teachers were killed at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. “Let your child or teenager know that ‘I really do care about you and I am open to having this discussion.'”

She continued, “It is really important to check back in tomorrow, to check back in the next day, to find out, ‘What are your friends talking about related to this school shooting?'”

6. Offer kids a chance to help.

Gilboa said that helping kids focus on a sense of purpose after tragedy can help protect their mental health.

She said parents and caregivers should ask a child if there is something that they can do together to help, or a way they can make a difference, either on the issue at hand or something else to make the world better.

“That teaches kids that they matter, that their actions matter and they can have positive impact, and mattering improves their mental health,” Gilboa said. “If we have empathy for their feelings, ask them how they’re doing and involve them in making a difference, we’re giving them the best shot we can of having stronger mental health through some unbelievable stressors.”

The National Child Traumatic Stress Network offers comprehensive resource guides for parents, caregivers and educators to support students. Click here for resources related to school shootings.

If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, free, confidential help is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Call or text the national lifeline at 988. Even if you feel like it, you are not alone.

Editor’s note: This report was originally published on March 28, 2023.

School shootings have unfortunately become a common occurrence in today’s society, and as parents and caregivers, it can be difficult to know how to talk to children about such a terrifying and tragic event. While it may be tempting to shield children from the news and try to protect them from the harsh realities of the world, it is important to have open and honest conversations with them about school shootings in order to help them process their feelings and fears.

Here are some tips for discussing school shootings with children:

1. Be honest and age-appropriate: When talking to children about school shootings, it is important to be honest with them about what happened, but also to keep the conversation age-appropriate. Younger children may not need as much detail as older children, so tailor your conversation to their level of understanding.

2. Encourage questions: Encourage children to ask questions about school shootings and listen to their concerns. Reassure them that it is normal to feel scared or confused, and that you are there to support them and answer any questions they may have.

3. Validate their feelings: It is important to validate children’s feelings about school shootings and let them know that it is okay to feel scared, sad, or angry. Encourage them to express their emotions and reassure them that their feelings are valid.

4. Focus on safety: Reassure children that schools are generally safe places and that there are measures in place to keep them safe. Talk to them about what they can do in case of an emergency, such as following lockdown procedures or finding a safe place to hide.

5. Limit exposure to media: Limit children’s exposure to news coverage of school shootings, as constant exposure to graphic images and stories can be traumatizing. Instead, provide them with age-appropriate information and answer any questions they may have.

6. Seek professional help if needed: If your child is having difficulty coping with the news of a school shooting, or if they are experiencing symptoms of anxiety or trauma, it may be helpful to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in working with children.

By following these tips and having open and honest conversations with children about school shootings, parents and caregivers can help children process their feelings and fears in a healthy way. It is important to provide children with reassurance, support, and guidance during difficult times, and to let them know that they are not alone in their feelings.